This
project has taken a long time. It's covered both terms of my third and final
year, which means I've been doing the same project for nearly 40 weeks. It's gotten
slow now towards the end (I can't lie) but I think that this final push (BA7
and BA8) has been the most productive project I've ever done in my three years
at NUA. It's been a bumpy ride of self-discovery, and for years before the
third year I always wondered what that used to mean. I know now, and I am more
aware of what I can do, what I can accomplish, and I always get pleasantly
surprised at what I can produce when I set my mind to it.
When
I started 'Inferno' last year, it was kind of like a revelation as I stumbled
across the poem, it's story and awesome characters on Wikipedia. I knew this
was a project that I could sink my teeth in to, because it had all the themes I
was really interested in (religion, the occult, plenty of room for symbology, a
vast array of sources for inspiration and many ways I could re-tell this epic
poem) and unfortunately that also meant that I set unreasonably high targets
for myself at the start. I was really pleased with the 81% grade I got for BA7,
so I assumed that I could go all out and produce tonnes of characters and loads
of environmental pieces. I really don't know what happened, but after starting
back after Christmas (with the intention of going all out for BA8) I got scared
of my project and it began to look very daunting. I got 'Ostrich Syndrome' and
buried my head in the sand, began looking for excuses to almost 'productively procrastinate',
so I was drawing (but it wasn't
related to what I should be doing). Baby
steps were in order, and slowly but surely it took me pretty much until Easter
to sort out what I was doing and actually make things for my document.
Because
of the extreme guilt and anxiety I put myself through (for not doing work, when
actually what I was producing was okay) I ended up enrolling in counselling
sessions at the Norwich Centre for 8 weeks, which should tide me over until
hand-in. Unfortunately the sessions only aided as a catalyst in that rapid
journey of self-discovery, and at the beginning they only made me more
depressed. About four weeks ago I decided to start a course of medications to
ease my depression and anxiety, and oh boy - I wish I'd started these a long
time ago. Where I was having panic attacks and leaving the room when my peer's
work was 'better' than mine, adrenaline rushes and no appetite if I'd forgotten
to do something as menial as the washing up or ironing, complete black and
white emotions - I only now have various shades of grey, there is no bipolarity
any more, and I feel a lot more in control than I ever was before.
These
last few weeks have been fantastic in regards to work, I've been really
productive, not beaten myself up if I've had a night off, and the hate I had
for the artwork I produced when it got to that stage of 'meticulously detailing
and over-rendering' things over Easter has completely subsided. Most of the
insecurity about my project and my artwork has gone, and I refuse to let this evaluation be a negative
self-criticism and list of things I'm disappointed in.
Sure
there are going to be things I would have done better - such as recording my
thoughts, ideas, successes and failures a bit better (reflective journal), and
I wish I'd drawn more in my sketchbook because it was such an effective outlet
during BA6 and BA7. I do wish I'd 'let myself go' in my paintings, and expressed
myself a bit more, and stayed true to my more painterly style. I do wish I'd
done more work on my environments, even though it was an alien subject to me. All
of these things felt like a very hard thing to do (possibly due to my mood,
fear of the end, self-punishment, I'm not sure) but I know now that the work I
did produce is pretty good and very consistent with the theme that I set out to
achieve in BA7. The informed decisions I decided to make (such as cutting out
the environments portion of my art book) have only benefitted my project, and I
only feel slightly guilty that I have not managed to follow through with them.
It's
taken my three years to find out about myself, to know that what I can do is
special, to know that I can draw well, and that it is okay to not
have the same skill set as someone else, (even though what they have is
desirable to me) - because someone else will see that about my own work.
If there's one thing that's remained over these three years, and even more so
in these last few months - I still know that I need to do something creative. I
have developed a style, I have developed taste, I have developed as much as an
artist as I have a person. I now can present my work in a way that looks
professional, I have a great understanding of design software and I have
experimented and worked out methods that allow me to produce a great image with
speed and creativity. I am now a lot more confident in marketing myself as an employable
person, I have a great portfolio and a piece of work that I can show to any
prospective employers or higher education establishments.
BA8
has been the biggest push for me as a person and an artist. But I think that the
biggest achievement BA8 has given me the tools to now take myself forward with
my head held high, full of confidence, and the ability to speak with pride and confidence
about my art work, which is something I really struggled to do until now. I am
so proud to have been part of NUA for three years, and it been the biggest step
in my journey. I will miss this.
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